CrankyBuddhist   the learning never ends …

I was sad to hear that Heath Ledger passed away just a couple of hours ago. It’s hard to think of someone so young and on an upward spiral burning out so quick, but it happens. I enjoyed his performance in Brokeback Mountain immensely.

So my thought process when I heard this news went something like:

That’s so sad.
Wow, he had so much life left.
He was too young.
Well, that was his karma.
I wonder if he did everything he wanted to do in life.
He had a baby.
I did not know this person.
hmm.
But in this I can see the lesson of living in the moment.

If I died today, would I really care about those hospital bills?

Nope.

If I knew I were going to die today, would I go to my job?

Nope.

If I were going to die today, what would I care about?

Not one damn thing.

Last night I awoke from a dream. In the dream I was driving The Escape Pod down to Patagonia. As I was driving down some back road in Colombia, I was ambushed by some masked rebels who dragged me out of my car and off to their hideout where they tied me up. They were speaking in Spanish and I had somehow managed to get a wad of cash in my hand to buy my freedom. But that’s not what they wanted. What they wanted to do was watch one of their favorite shows on TV. I whispered to the main guy who was sitting next to me, “I’ll get to go after this is over, won’t I?” He replied, “No, you will never leave here.” And then I realized that he was going to kill me.

I woke up and continued trying to solve my dilemma. Even though I was awake, I was still participating in the dream. I started to chant some om mani padme om/s to bring me back into the waking world. Sometimes I have dreams like this when I’m feeling anxious about my survival.

When I’m feeling anxious like this I ask the universe for an answer. What to do? Where to go? Could you throw some cash my way. The universe always responds, with a dime. If I happen to ask during the day, usually I will find a dime on the sidewalk within an hour or so. The dime is always in the middle of the sidewalk. If I ask during the night while I’m sleeping, I’ll find a dime sometime during the next day as I’m walking around – the dog, some errands, whatever.

After last night’s dream I asked the universe for some support. “Show me a sign,” I asked. Show me a sign that I’m on the right path. So as I was walking around today I found a dollar on a crowded city street.

Sure beats a dime.

But just as in my dream, the realization comes that no matter how much money the universe throws at me, no matter how much money I throw at my captors, whether it’s a dime or a dollar or a million dollars, it’s not going to buy my freedom, and death is inevitable.

I did not know James Kim. But if I play six degrees of seperation, I have a number of connections to the man, as do many many other people in the Bay Area and around the world who did not know him personally.

My connection was Stella. My favorite Toy Fox Terrier lives on Haight Street in the middle of the block between Pierce and Scott, right next door to doe, a boutique owned by the Kims. I used to walk Stella every morning and I watched daily as the previous store in that location closed, and the renovations of the storefront took place for doe. I’ve seen Kati, James, and their older daughter at the store, smiled and said ‘Hi’ occassionaly and that was it.

That’s my only connection. And not really a connection at all.

But as we all watched the news on television or read reports on the internet, we all somehow couldn’t help but pull the strings of recognition tighter. Hoping that they all would be found safe and sound, that they all would live. I breathed a sigh of relief when Kati and the girls were found and still I carried hope for James.

We all have missed connections in life. And those missed connections take us down other paths that will lead here or there. We might be found. Or we might be lost. What we are is exactly where we need to be at that moment in time. In hindsight it is possible to spend way too much time with the ‘if I or he or she only’s’. What we have to do is wrap our minds about what is.

I know I’ve written about my thoughts on death, that they don’t make me sad, that for those who are sick and suffering in this life, death may just be a joy. But for James Kim I can’t help but feel the loss of a bright light from the planet and the event of his passing has made me sad.

It was James’ day.